Tips for Figuring Out Fall Fashion (a suburban mom’s rant)

 

IMG_3410I’m having trouble dressing myself. Not the activity of daily living kind of trouble. But the “I hate everything in my closet” kind of trouble. I’m reminded of how I used to tease a relative for being photographed wearing the same outfits across a span of 20 years. I’m becoming that person. I can’t remember how long ago I purchased certain tops or pants. I stand and stare at the relatively few up-to-date items I own, make a choice, and then realize I don’t have shoes to match. And just when I think I’ve got my finger on the fleeting pulse of fashion, the “trend-setters” cough up some new craze that makes me curse under my breath.

The Horse Blanket Poncho~IMG_3409_edited-1

It’s everywhere, in every store window, those fringed wraps with bold western patterns and bat wing sleeves. I am 5’3” inches tall and I’m guessing I’ll look more like a tiny pony tripping under its mama’s fancy horse blanket than a sexy Annie Oakley. Plus, I live on the tundra where it regularly gets below zero for days, weeks, sometimes even months at a time. How the heck am I supposed to stuff those shawl sleeves that make my arms look as if they’re giant webbed Aqua-man toes into a sexy down puffer jacket?

Ankle Boots~

I was into the tall boot thing cause I can wear warm socks and still look chic. Plus, chicks in tall boots look like they’re about to team up with Harrison Ford on some a grand adventure of either the Indiana Jones or Star Wars variety. But then came the “bootie” an ankle boot that looks cute but leaves me very confused about what to do with my pants. Do I roll them up? Tuck them in? I’m at a loss. And since only the tiniest of footie socks can be worn with booties, I’m really afraid my ankles are going to get cold once the snow flies. Bean BootsSo instead, I’ve chosen a brand new pair of Bean Boots in my closet. Suck it fashion police. Come winter, I’m going to strut around town wearing fleece lined snow boots that’ll make me look like I’m on yet another adventure, only this time with Paul Bunyan instead of Harrison Ford.

Hipster Plaid~

One way I could get my teenage sons to wear button down collared shirts instead of perennial t-shirts was to buy plaid patterns. Looks good on them. But now, all of us apparently are supposed to look as if we’re heading out to chop wood. I truly don’t mind the look, especially since it would pair well with my outdoorsy Bean boots. But my sons may scoff at looking like we’ve deliberately dressed like “twinsies”. If I go plaid, it’s gotta be grown up–like say a plaid silk blouse or an ultra-feminine plaid dress. Reserve the hipster plaid flannel shirts for teenagers and Bernie Sanders rallies.

High Waisted Jeans~

I plan to ruin this look for all the “fashionable” young women out there by embracing it fully! These jeans are amazing. I can stuff all of my matronly muffin-top into the pants, zip everything securely into place, and off I go. I’m SO much more comfortable knowing that when I bend over, my briefs don’t show. (Never did embrace the whole thong thing. Underwear is the only “hipster” thing about me. TMI? Welp, seeing so many a** cracks in low rise jeans over the years is TMI, so cut me some slack.) In my new jeans, I’m not constantly hiking up the waistband like you know you have to do every five seconds with those low-riders. Everything just stays put, as it should. Why the heck did mature women allow themselves to be shamed by Tina Fey for wearing “mom jeans”–the exact look that is currently all the rage? Hey! The mom jean was our look first, so this mom will wear them with pride. No way anyone can convince me now that I’m too old for these pants.

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4 thoughts on “Tips for Figuring Out Fall Fashion (a suburban mom’s rant)

  1. Donna Trump says:

    I am still laughing out loud, Angela. You are a funny, funny lady. Thanks for a bit of cheer on a dreary Monday morning.

  2. Funny! I have a “couch blanket poncho” which works well for hockey rinks where I don’t need to wear a coat. I bought ankle boots this year and then realized that although I am 5’9″, I am too wide to wear skinny jeans. So I’m not sure how anyone will see my super cool, black suede fringe boots under my flare jeans.

  3. Pingback: Giving Myself Permission to Procrastinate | Words by Angela

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